Category: Entertainment


A couple of years ago, as I started to emerge from one of the darkest periods of depression of my life, I was using the affirmation “Taking back my life”, because that is exactly how I felt. Depression is often compared to a ‘black dog’. Personally I don’t find that a good analogy – I have had two black dogs in my life, and both were good for my well-being. I can not associate them with depression. To me it is more like a muddied, boggy pool which we are submerged under. We see dim shapes and shadows of reality, but they are seen through dark muddy water. Emerging from my depression at the time was like ‘surfacing’ – making my way to clearer waters – to a clearer reality.

As usual it has been a long time since I updated here. I have had some family illness issues, which have made it difficult not to slip back into that mire. On a more positive note, I have been busy with various projects. I have done courses in blog set-up, community journalism and blog management, which have culminated in me being part of a great team, running a new blog:

Well Pool (Promoting Positive Health & Well-Being)

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It’s been a fascinating project and it is interactive in that if you have things to share on the vast subject of well-being, we are always keen to publish them.

Additionally, I have set up a photography page – at the moment, just on Facebook, but I am still on a learning curve with my Nikon! The page is:

Marc Fraser Photography

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I also did a relevant post on photography and well-being on the WellPool blog called

‘Photography – My Well-Being Salvation’

But by far the biggest element in my life has been working towards an installation for World Mental Health Day, which was on 10 October 2015.

I ended up shelving the original idea for a completely new slideshow because of the aforementioned family health issues; instead I added sound to the slideshow that ran at the ‘Sticks ‘n’ Stones’ event in February. On an emotional and creative rollercoaster, I added a ‘mix’ of some music I made a few years back in algorithmic music software – generated semi-randomly – as well as snippets from discussions on self-image and how it suffers under fluctuating mental health. There were also a few snippets of speech synthesis. The end result was this:

‘A Trick of the Eye – A Trick of the Mind: WMHD version’

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The day was amazing. The staff at the Playhouse Theatre, where this and some really excellent drama, dance and workshop performances were going on for most of the day, were so hospitable. It goes without saying that their work was brilliant – like a well-oiled machine.

So that leads me back to the title of this post. Two years ago, I was taking back my life. Now I feel that Saturday has started me on the road to taking back my identity.

Before I fell into that muddy pool, the things that kept me out of the mire were artistic work as a composer working with fringe theatre, dance, performance art, etc. After the event on Saturday, I feel like I am that person again.

I am already putting ideas together for the installation that I shelved.

There has been a lot more going on with me this year – mostly positive (in the end). I have done my debut (and probably swan-song) in stand-up comedy via the Comedy Trust’s ‘Feeling Funny’ project, done more training in Peer Support, and more. Ever onwards, ever upwards.

Me at Comedy Night at The Brink

“Illusions Parade”

This is just a quick post to mention an upcoming event, which a friend drew my attention to. The event itself is in August, but in case any people reading this (or any of their friends, colleagues, etc.) want to submit some work, it is worth mentioning, as the final date for submission is 1st April 2015.

“Illusions Parade”

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The web page is pretty self-explanatory and worth a look for anyone interested in visual and or experimental arts.

There was a fantastic turn-out at PSS’s “Sticks ‘n’ Stones” show at Siren Liverpool on Thursday evening. As promised, there was a nice selection of drama, poetry and music, as well as opportunities to engage in conversation about mental health.

Yesterday – Friday – I felt a great feeling of anti-climax, which brought back memories of a past that barely feels like my own. I remember working for shows – whether they were plays, dance, installations or concerts. The show takes over your life from the moment of conception to the end of the final rehearsal; then it is shared – and then it is done. I am pretty sure that I am not the only person involved in the PSS evening that felt the same anti-climax the day after. All I can say is “Well done to all of you! You did good!”

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My prepared part for the show is now available and public on YouTube under: PSS Sticks and Stones: A Trick of the Eye – A Trick of the Mind. There is also a small selection of photos on my ‘Beyond the lens’ page at Tumblr. There is a bigger selection of photos from the evening in a (public) Facebook Photo Album under ‘PSS – ‘Sticks ‘n’ Stones’. (Most of my photo albums are publicly accessible if you would like to browse further).

During the course of the evening, during which various ‘games’ and ‘teasers’ were given out, I was given a card that read ‘Have you ever laughed or joked about a mental illness’. The other people at the table I was sitting at seemed somewhat shocked when I said “Yes I have – my own!”

I have never lost my sense of humour during the years of struggle. Sure, it changed – it became rather more cynical and biting when I was at my worst, although my sense of humour has always been somewhat dry and cynical, I think. The ability to find something to laugh at even in my most dismal times has carried me through. I realize of course that not everyone has the same strategies, but to me laughter – and the digs at myself, as well as the distortion of my photos during the darkest times have been therapeutic. And without them I would have probably been self-destructive in a much more literal way.

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So what’s next?

I am at early stage discussions about a couple more project ideas that may hopefully come to fruition within the next few months. Nothing is fixed yet, so I don’t want to tempt fate by talking too much about them, but hopefully I will have something to report very soon.

Just a quick mention of an upcoming event on January 26. As the poster says, the workshop is for Imagine and Richmond Fellowship members, but the evening gig is open to all and with free admission. I’m hoping to take part.

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Returning

As part of the process of ‘Taking back my life’ I keep reviewing the pursuits that mattered most to me in the past – the things that mattered independently of the decline and loss of those I loved. I seem to be remembering stuff ‘around corners’. That is, there is this huge ‘obstruction’ in my mental and emotional being, almost as tangible as an impassable mountain range or something. Thus I remember round that obstruction to things I did before and it is as if they were a matter of days ago. Then I contemplate how much those things (music being one of the biggest) have changed in those ‘few days’.

One of the pursuits that captured my interest between the first acknowledgement of clinical depression and the descent into the creative void locked down by the anti-depressants, was a love for making abstract digital graphics. They were mostly, but not exclusively, fractal images. Although I had to let the web site go in the end (frankly I couldn’t afford to keep it going with no return), I kept the images and uploaded a selection to Skydrive:

As I am starting to emerge from that fog – at least to the point that I care that I have lost so much time in it – I am starting now to see some improvement. My attention span is gradually increasing (little by little albeit, but hey – it’s a start!)

Imagery – whether it is through language, music, artwork or photography – has been the thing to keep me from sliding beyond a point of no return. I am happy that after nearly 2 weeks  of the gradual liberation from the cotton-wool tyranny of Prozac, I am starting to return from that point.

 

 Goldeneye Villa

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Goldeneye: Where Bond was born

This might interest fans of Ian Fleming/James Bond. The video tours of the villa and the grounds are cool.